This describes both the lumpectomy that I had in 2000 and the mastectomy of 2005.

Surgery - Part 1 - 2000
Although a mastectomy (removal of the breast) was considered, my surgeon felt that breast conserving surgery was my best option. In May, I had a wide local excision which meant that additional breast tissue was removed from the biopsy area. Of particular importance was the need to have 'good, clear margins' to ensure that none of the cancer was left in my breast. I also had some of my lymph glands removed to check whether it had spread.

Going through such surgery was physically and emotionally draining. Two days before the surgery I immersed myself in cleaning, washing, ironing, hovering and planning my funeral. By the time I got to hospital I was ready for a rest! The day of the surgery was awful. I had a long wait until 3pm and each minute seemed to drag by. From my diary "What a long, long, long day. I've had a shower and took a long look at my right breast for the last time. Number 3 on the list, Wendy, has just gone down to theatre, so I should be another couple of hours. I hope they give me some premed soon. Sheila has opted to have nothing, but I want all the help I can get!"

After the surgery I woke to find myself bandaged up in a clingfilm like affair and with a vacuumed drain coming from the back of my armpit. This new friend was my constant companion during the following week, collecting fluid from my arm. After making good progress, I had a major setback when my breast erupted three weeks after surgery. This was a build up of blood behind the scar and unbelievably, it bled constantly for nearly a month

Nearly two years after surgery, my breast still looks like someone has taken a huge bite out of it. Even smaller than before (is this possible?!), I am trying to come to terms with it. I have a new swim suit which I wore in Australia - one of my goals, post surgery.

Part 2 -2005

"I am no longer what I was. I will remain what I became" - Coco Chanel

This time around, the choices were a bit more stark - removal of a quarter of the remaining breast or a mastectomy. My new surgeon made the point that my remaining breast tissue was already 'traumatised' with not much volume and I really felt that trying to mess around with what was left was not really an option. The thought of a mastectomy was awful, but not as awful as having to face the return of the cancer for a third time, so it was really not that big a decision. I had already decided that if it did ever come back that I would have a mastectomy and so it was.

To Reconstruct or Not Reconstruct?

This was the question that was rattling around my head after the diagnosis. Did I have the breast removed and then think about reconstruction at a later date? My Surgeon and the Breast Care Nurse were able to describe the two choices, both of which were open to me. I was able to look at postoperative photographs of the different types of surgery and also look at and importantly feel the implants that the hospital uses. I thought about a whole range of things - how would I cope with a completely flat chest?; what would the scar look like?; how natural would an implant look?; how long would surgery take with or without reconstruction?; how much longer would it take to recover from immediate reconstruction?; would I be able to face another operation in the future?; did having two breasts really matter?; which surgeon would operate on me? and so on.

After much thought, I decided not only to have a mastectomy on the right side with immediate reconstruction, but also to take the opportunity to have a slight enhancement to my left side as well. My reasoning was that if I was going to have an implant one side, then I might as well make the most of a bad situation and have the other side 'improved' at the same time. It did not take long to decide NOT to have a 'Jordan' - going from an 'A' cup to a ridiculous 'DD'+++ seemed like more of a nightmare than the thought of the breast cancer itself! I do not understand the current obsession with unfeasibly large breasts and realised that my rather small frame would not support such an increase without generating laughter and a whole load of unnecessary pain. So I chose a subtle increase to a 'B' cup - just what the doctor ordered!

Post Mastectomy

I was operated on 31st October 2005 - first on the list and terrified as hell. Woke up with a morphine drip and my close friend' drain'. Also found myself strapped into a sports bra that Cleo and Caroline had spent hours trying to find with me and feeling quite happy and peaceful. It was very difficult to move and at first the only real movements were to push the self dosing morphine button as I realised that this was going to be the only way to get through the pain! My Breast Care nurse came to see me during the week and together we had a look at the surgery. I don't think it quite hits you until you see it on your own body. Breasts come in pairs. Full Stop. A single one looks very odd indeed and the scar was, as predicted, large and a dramatic diagonal across from the breast bone in the centre right up into the arm pit. Not attractive, but as Caroline pointed out, respectfully done. The implant on the left is a standard silicone implant and the scar is under the crease of the breast at the bottom. The implant on the right is an expander implant that will be filled with saline over time. This hopefully means that I will not need a further major operation, as once the 'filling' has been done, I will have a minor operation to remove the port that is used to inflate it and will have nipple reconstruction at the same time.