This is in two parts, reflecting on both occurences of breast cancer in 2000 and 2005. Both times were frightening occasions, although by 2005 I had a much better idea of what to expect. Having someone with you is essential and I would recommend making a tape of the discussion as there is so much to take in.

Part 1 - 2000

I first noticed a lump in my right breast in October 1999. I wasn't worried about it as I'd had a lump under my arm a couple of years previously and had been told that it was nothing and that it was a waste of time turning up at the surgery. That was such a bad experience that I actually changed my GP. However, my husband Tim was worried and kept on nagging me to go to the doctors which I did in November. My GP was on maternity leave, so I saw someone else. She examined me and told me that she didn't think it was anything to worry about, but that I was to come back in a month if it hadn't gone. It didn't go and neither did I. By this time it was Christmas, then New Year and the Millennium and then back to work. There's never enough time to deal with these things and I conveniently forgot about it until Tim began nagging me again. I went back to see the doctor in February 2000 and was immediately referred to Hospital. The appointment came through really quickly and I went to the hospital in early March expecting to be told that my lump was a cyst.

Well it wasn't. I was given a series of tests, followed by fine needle aspiration and then a core biopsy and mammogram. By this stage, it was clear that there was a problem and I began to be worried. My appointment card shows various dates 27th March, 3rd April, 5th April, 20th April-all something of a blur now. At one of these appointments I was told that there were conflicting results. All were showing something 'suspicious', but one was suggesting 'cancer' as opposed to the hoped for, benign. "Well", said my consultant surgeon, "I think we need to take it out and have a better look at it". After a day surgery in April, I emerged lumpless, scarred and scared.

On the 20th April 2000 I was told that I had breast cancer. It's one of life's 'moments' when the world seems to stop turning. During the process of telling me, the consultants mobile phone went off, not once, but twice, which was not funny at the time, but brings a smile to my face now. Somehow, I managed to ask a number of what seemed quite sensible questions such as what sort of cancer is it?" and then fled outside crying and screaming uncontrollably. Even now, I'm not sure how we got home. Even though I knew from the moment I saw the consultants face, it was such a breathtaking shock. In that moment, I finally understood the phrase "It never happens to you, always to someone else".

Part 2 - 2005 It's all rather too familiar when you've gone through it before - the same worrying lump, the same anxiousness. I started to worry about the lump at the start of 2005 and made an appointment to see my first surgeon in February 2005.

I had a mammogram and examination and told (again) that there was nothing to worry about - it was scar tissue from the first operation. This all happened in the middle of the move to Brighton and so I had other things to worry about and was happy to get such a diagnosis. You never want to hear that you have cancer after all! By August, however, the lump had not changed, if anything it had increased in size and the irritation in my nipple (ongoing on and off since the first operation) was becoming quite severe. With the move down south, I changed my GP and remembering how overdue I was on my smear test, booked myself in. Whilst there, I mentioned to the nurse my worries about my breast. I told her about the mammogram in February and the diagnosis, but the fact it just didn't feel right and that I was still anxious about it. She listened carefully and then asked if I would mind waiting whilst she interrupted my new GP's clinic and got him to refer me direct to the hospital. This fast-tracked me with a first appointment within two weeks. This first appointment meant another mammogram and confirmation that there was a lump which they would like to investigate further. On the 2nd September, I returned for a core biopsy with a scan. This was particularly painful as the lump was hard to access and took three 'goes' before the radiographer was happy. The next day, Tim and I traveled to Birmingham for his cousin's (Tarn) wedding and I had to try hard not wince as I hugged everyone!! I was due to go back for the results two weeks later, but had to cancel that for a week. On the 22nd September 2005, I was again told I had breast cancer. It's strange how you 'know' it as soon as you see the consultants face. This time, I was incredibly upset even going to the clinic. I really didn't have a good feeling about it and then when they came and had a look at me and said that could I get dressed and we go for a 'chat' in the quiet room, I just knew it was not a benign lump.

Both my Surgeon and Breast Care Nurse were present with myself and Tim and we were given the option to tape the conversation, which covered what type of cancer it was and the possible treatment options. At the diagnosis stage, there is so much to take in that the tape was very helpful to review at home and something I would recommend to anyone trying to take in difficult news.