It may become evident to some that I have a particular view, or views, about who I am & how I see myself. They are not entirely constant, or necessarily accurate, as time & emotions can distort Memory or even cause some events to be 'Forgotten'

So this Page is my Statement of my Life to the end of the Year 2000. I wanted to avoid contributing to the Millennium stuff, which felt too much like a Nostalgia - Fest. The whole thing was a bit of a let down, similar to meeting up with Friends & Reminiscing only to discover that time (& a fading memory ;-) had made things seem better than they actually were.

Anyway I may change this Page from time to time, adding or deleting bits & pieces. It should be interesting to see if, as I get older, those parts of my Life I count as Important are still seen as such then. So Indulge me a little & see if One Persons Life can be summed up in a few paragraphs (I certainly hope not that would be very disillusioning ;-)

In writing these Pages I may even see things differently for myself. I also have to be aware that this may open up some old wounds & may do the same for anyone who knows me from these Times. If anyone has further Information or anything they wish to Add, Change or Elaborate on you can do so in Person, if you're still in contact, or via Email.

By coincidence this Phase can be divided into 3 near - equal parts, so I'll stick to that for the moment & see how it pans out.

Obviously the first 4 years is pretty much a blur. The main events include my 'natural' mother running off to Live with someone else and, with one exception (see 13 - 24, below) I have not seen her since. I only account I have is from Tom, my Father, of what the circumstances were & it's unlikely that it will change. Due to His circumstances I spent most of the time with various Relatives. I'm not going to put what these were, that's for Him to do. As I don't remember much from this time it doesn't really change my overall perception.

Tom remarries; my Step - Mother, Janet, already has a son Eddie. During this time Tom & Janet have Wayne & then Rob. For the most part this Period was one of conflict & confusion. I remember feeling that I was always blamed for everything & certainly have recollections of being Punished for things I hadn't done. It become fairly obvious to me, years later, that whenever Tom & Janet had a falling out, and there were plenty of those, Janet vented some of those feelings, etc. on me. This situation lasted for around 4 years before Tom had enough & threw Janet out.

This was also a time where I suffered many accidents & injuries, most put down to falling off of objects, trees, coal bunkers, etc. and spending quite some time in Hospital. The Asthma & Hayfever didn't help either. This interfered with my attendance at school & in particular my writing skills. Maths was always my strong suit & the only thing I excelled in regardless.

Janet went to live with Ray, Eddie's natural Father (make of it what you will) taking Him with them. Ray would not have Wayne or Rob so that left Tom with the task of raising 3 Sons, all under 8 years old, on his own. With Janet making things as difficult as possible whenever she could. Some of the things she got up to are outrageous to say the least & it meant we had to move house. This I count as probably the worst move Tom ever made although the reasoning was sound.

Most of the following 4 years are a bit of a blur with a lot of 'gaps' in my memory. Tom worked 12 hours a day & we barely saw him, which was the 'norm' prior to the split. All I know is that I went from being a skinny kid to being a fat one weighing 12½ stone with a waist of 36 inches. I put most of this down to 'comfort' eating, although Wayne & Rob did not have the same problem. I have to also consider Age &/or Genetic factors as well to explain this.

Now I don't know whether Others have gone through this, if the answer is NO then I was also correct in feeling Alienated; if the answer is YES then all I can add is I wish the Others had spoken of it a bit more often. I'm not trying to Blame anyone, it's just that Voicing things, instead of keeping it Locked Up, is sometimes better. It certainly may have helped me a bit. Few of my Peers where interested in the big Social Questions of the Day - the old saying, 'Never Talk About Politics, Religion or Sex' (unless Boasting or Denying, of course ;-) seems to hold true.

If you will indulge me some Ego - Time, I have generally regarded myself as a Logical, Factual & Realistic Person. If I'm going to Comment, Complain, etc. then I like to have as many Details as I possibly can. Combined with a fairly quick Mind & reasonably good at holding my own in Debates / Arguments, etc. I ended up convincing Most Others that I was Egotistical, self - Opinionated & considered myself as always being Right.

It is a Shame & a Situation that I have been unable to shake off for most of my Adult Life. All I can say is that it is not how I see myself, it is certainly not that clear cut. I needed convincing, not Sound - Bites, Half - Thought Out Clichés or Rhetoric. I just didn't seem to meet enough People who were willing to stay around long enough for me to find out.

Now I get to the Tricky Bit - I soon became aware that I was putting a lot of thought into what I was doing & why. I did retain a lot of Information, Facts, Theories, etc. This led me to start Believing that I was Smarter than the Average Bear... I will go in to how this has Manifested itself in my Working Life in the 25 - 36 Section below. So in the end I not only did Others think I thought I was 'better' than them I started to see it this way myself.

Anyway, most of this time was spent getting drunk in an effort to stop my Brain from running Full - Steam all the time. The only thing it Achieved was to make my Memory for People's Names even worse than it was. It didn't stop me thinking about everything on the Planet (for more on this Topic read my Environment & Ethics Pages) & being able to perceive things that others appeared to overlook. The Exception to this Rule was in my own Personal Relationships (now this does sound Typical ;-)  

Unfortunately things never turned out the way I expected (life is like that :-) The job only a year, for some reason I still haven't figured out fully, I seem to end up in conflict with those higher up the work hierarchy than myself. In my own defence, each job I've had since has lasted longer than the previous one, yet still the problems return.

From my perspective (these are my Pages after all ;-) I seem almost destined to challenge those who should know better or at least acknowledge that others (note the plural) may know more, at least collectively. I am reminded of two quotes, 'Power corrupts,' although I prefer a variation I got from a Frank Herbert book, 'Power attracts the Corruptible.' This statement is made by the God Emperor of Dune in the Book of the same name (click Here for more on this).

I am unable to get past this belief I have that as people progress up the 'power' ladder they, whether willingly or not, most often end up thinking they must wield the power they have achieved without really understanding the Responsibility that wielding it has, or should have. They also seem to lose touch with the more practical elements of what those working 'beneath' them have to do and deal with. Even worse is those that have never experienced the practical elements at all! I can accept that there is a common denominator in my working life, i.e. me, yet I can also see how those with Power & Responsibility regularly misuse it for Personal Reasons - whether intentionally or not.

Hopefully this goes some way in explaining my various jobs in this period. Whether for better or not these issues eventually led me to become a Union Steward with NALGO (National And Local Government Officers) which is now called UNISON after an amalgamation with NUPE (National Union of Public Employees) & COHSE (?????). I became the Branch Welfare Officer and later the Asst Branch Secretary for our Local Authority when 36. A sell - out for an old anarchist? Certainly necessary after so many years having witnessed, or experiencing firsthand, mis - management, bullying and demoralization of Staff by those above.

The main difference towards the end of this Period is that earlier on I would, & did, just walk away & find something else. Then I came to realize that this may protect me to some extent, it did not necessarily improve or solve anything in the long term. Standing my ground, or assisting others in standing theirs, was often a better if not necessary choice. Walking away may still be the most appropriate thing to do, only towards the end of things rather than at the beginning, preferably after all else has failed.

The Relationship I mentioned, and my daughter, were also a factor in this change to my approach. Although I must add that I have always tried to redress things that I believe are wrong, and support others to do the same, so it is highly probable that I would have ended up doing something similar anyway.

The Relationship did last throughout the whole 12 years of this Section, although by the time I came to write this Page I had made the decision to move out. I will cover this bit in the following Page, What Now, for now I will finish off by saying that I learned a lot about myself during this time and still have a lot more to learn yet. So off you to the next Page where you can see how I can still make a completely and utter mess of things...