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REWRITING LETTERS, CHANGING FORMS



Christopher Barnes


16. REWRITING LETTERS, CHANGING FORMS (INSTRUCTIONS)
 
DEFROSTING
 
(or)
 
SOFTENING THE WINTER
 
          *
 
Frost will form gradually on the ice-making shelf.  
It is a mistake to assume that an accumulation 
of frost gives a colder cabinet.
 
(or)
 
Frigidity moulds creepingly
On the cold-wave tier.
A North Pole drift doesn’t nudge
Towards a subzero box.
 
          *
 
To defrost, switch off at the wall socket or, 
alternatively turn the thermostat dial to ‘0’.  
Remove the ice-tray and leave the cabinet door open.  
The frost will gradually melt and run into the drip collector.
 
(or)
 
To unglacify flick ‘off’
Or icequake the compass
To let-slide mode.
Disbar the snow-clad reservoir,
Unplug the chest’s doorjamb.
The frost line by shades swamps
Depletes into the splashback.
 
          *
 
NOTE: do not attempt to defrost more quickly by means of an electric fire 
or other form of heat as this may damage the plastic surfaces.
 
(or)
 
CUTTING ICE: disaffirm dissolving impatiently.
Kettles and blast-torches turn awry fridges
The frame should not be a snowflake.
 

 
17. REWRITING LETTERS, CHANGING FORMS (CD PLAYER)
 
NOTES ON DISC
 
(or)
 
GLOSS ON DISCS
 
          *
 
-         Before playing, clean the disc with a cleaning cloth.  
	  Wipe from the centre out.
 
(or)
 
Leading the dance of opera-ncy,
Buff Madam Butterfly
Gut to a jaggy wing.
 
          *
 
-         Do not use solvents such as benzene, thinner, 
	  commercially available cleansers 
	  or anti-static intended for vinyl LPs.
 
(or)
 
Stagger belief in solvents
Unctions, salesman’s dry cleaning,
Stale fluidized fresheners.
 
          *
 
-         Do not expose the disc to direct sunlight or heat sources 
such as hot air ducts, nor leave it in a car parked in direct sunlight.
 
(or)
 
And no recalcitrant moth-light,
Hiss from a radiator’s valve
Don’t pipe it down in your motor
A simmering hush warps.
 
          *
 
-         Do not use discs encircled with a protection ring.  
	  This may cause a malfunction to the system.
 
(or)
Halos engineer the untuneable.
 
          *
 
-         Discs with non-standard shapes (e.g. heart, square, star) 
	  cannot be played on this unit.  Do not use such discs.
 
(or)
 
Bluebottles, wasps, caterpillars,
Will blatter their crescendos.
 

 
 
16. REWRITING LETTERS, CHANGING FORMS (ACCOUNT)
 
Whatever your banking needs, our current accounts are both 
flexible and rewarding.  Whether it’s a market leading interest rate you’re after, 
24 hour access, a simpler way to bank or added extras you’ll find them all here.
 
(or)
 
Not counting us?  Bill-sketchy?
In standard deviations our handbag account
Is snap-absorbent, tickle-pursed.
Your interurban uncertainty principle’s indispensable,
It’s all somewhere about.
 
          *
 
Simply look at the chart opposite to help you choose the right account.
 
(or)
 
Guilessly go eye to eye
With number patterns.
We’ll please your figures.
 

 
 
REWRITING LETTERS, CHANGING FORMS (LAWYERS)
 
Thank you for instructing me to act on your behalf 
in connection with the above matter.  I shall do everything possible 
to assist you and see that the matter proceeds to a satisfactory conclusion.
 
(or)
 
I’ll knee bend to the riot act
Unsuspectingly up against
The underlying crisis,
Going on to wheel-grease
A peace-of-mind after all.
 
          *
 
If you are granted Emergency Public Funding and it is later ascertained 
that you do not qualify for Public Funding financially or because 
you have failed to supply necessary information, then 
your Emergency Public Funding will be revoked.
 
(or)
 
If you’re indulged with the tab
Having stamped an overstep
Recompense can be a write-off.
 
          *
 
All solicitors dealing in family law have to be 
governed by the Proceeds of Crime Act 2002.
 
(or)
 
We are mouthpieces, string-pulled.
 

 
 
 3 REWRITING LETTERS, CHANGING FORMS (PREMIUM BONDS)
 
Thank you for your recent enquiry.  I enclose conformation of your 
customer/holder’s number and the current details we hold about you.  
If you change your name or address in the future, 
please use this form to let us know.
 
(or)
 
Grateful for your point in question.
Do we dismay?
We are as you hunch
In the grace of machines.
I run-through the green light
Of your sucker/haver index,
Stock specifics we’re up on you.
If you shift into
Homo-other, someplace elsewhere, spill it
In a set-adrift what-is-to-be
Be graphic to us in those papers.
 
          *
 
There are no outstanding prizes at the moment.
 
(or)
 
On the other hand
Your anchor was swept too high,
A naysay-Midas
By and by.
 

 
 
4 REWRITING LETTERS, CHANGING FORMS (SOLICITORS)
 
I write to confirm the completion of this matter today 
and I would remind you that if you have not already done 
so you should now cancel all standing orders and direct debits 
in respect of all outgoings on your former property.
 
(or)
 
You disengaged.
She goodbyed
Lists she took in espitolatry* custom.
Settled,
There’s no other run of things.
Seal the doom of chits and dues
For your brick-bank.
 
          *
 
You have collected the cheque in your favour for the balance due to you – 
I enclose the Statement showing how such sum was calculated.
 
(or)
 
You’ve strongboxed the boodle;
It all tabulates.  Despair on the tea chest
Tap thumbs.  This is elbow-room.
 
          *
 
We will shortly be closing your file and will archive it for six years.
 
(or)
 
You may ferment solitude.
We’ll zip up your Minutes
And shroud them in the stacks,
Six scuzzy years.
 
*the theory of knowledge, the conditions
Collins English Dictionary
 

 
 
5. REWRITING LETTERS, CHANGING FORMS (OPTICIANS)
 
It is now time for your eye test.  You may not realise, 
but it is over two years since your last sight test at this practice.  
In fact, our records show…
 
(or)
 
You’re a dodgem into debris, dingdong,
A dud with watchworks
-         It’s rare bats of a distant eye
A dim past when you were on this spot.
Camera-catalogued, and fuzz-inked forms to wink at…
 
          *
 
Your eyes deserve professional care and it’s essential 
to have a regular eye examination.  
We will check that your eyes are healthy and ensure 
your vision is as clear and comfortable as possible.
 
(or)
 
You moles reap the fruits
Of a marksman’s curiosity
Let us read your bull’s-eye.
Then you’ll be bright-eyed, tufty-tailed
A seer, clearly.







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