True Love Waits won't e-mail you back but we will!
Hi! This is Cliff here! Just saying a big HELLO to everyone at 'the tank' and reminding you that IT IS NEVER and i do mean NEVER too late to reclaim your virginity!
There are only a few easy steps you need to follow.
1) First consider the following:
a) Are you guilty?
I mean not of any particular crime but in general.
For example does the picture on the right stir you more than the one on the left?
Does this arise from righteous anger? Or something more evil? Does this make you feel guilty?
Are we all guilty? Are the Birmingham Six guilty? HAVE YOU EVER REALLY TRULY LOVED A WOMAN??? WELL!!!???!?!?! Hang on: I have to be alone now....
b) Right, OK. I'm back.
Anyway, we know you're serious now. Consider this:
A man walks into a room four foot by six foot by eight foot. He stays there for four minutes. Meanwhile a train leaves Chicago at 4:15pm at 55km.p.h for Denver which is 260km away (yeah yeah I know). The man walks two paces forwards (south south east) then three paces back and to the side (evading radar detection). He sits down and has four beers (each 330ml) and a blowjob. The train crashes. Everyone goes home. Look, just get over it, OK?
Driving has rules. Driving is fun.
Chess has rules. Chess is fun.
Therefore sex must have rules (to be fun, you see).
See forthcoming Rules Page for more details and a list of other things that should have rules.
2) The Rituals
a) Wash your hands. Now wash them again. Now wash your face. You're filthy, you sordid, soiled non-virginal scum! You are evil! Yes evil dammit! Now wash your hands again. EVIL, I tell you!
b) Read the whole of Leviticus. Twice.
Especially, "4: 5-6 And the priest that is anointed shall take of the bullock's blood and bring it to the tabernacle of the congregation: and the priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle of the blood seven times before THE LORD"
And then do it. All of it. And don't tell anyone we told you to. Or we'll get you, see?
c) Whip yourself a few times. Go on - you know you like it. Or we'll whip you (e-mail us). Our rates are very reasonable and we are highly trained professionals. Oh yes. Yes indeed. You'd expect nothing less from The Syphilis Tank: official sponsors of Old Man Porn (TM), Erotic Badger Teasing (R) and Nude Downhill Skiiing (S&M).
3) RA RA RA
4) Admit it! You're just a virgin who can't drive! And no, you can't get pregnant if you snog Darren when you've got your period.
5) Now here's the tricky bit. E-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org and explain why we - ahem, God and Jesus and all the angels up here - might want to grant your lousy virginity back after you spent so long trying to lose it.
"Admit it! You like the feeling of something squirming around inside you! Like a caterpillar! Like an eel! Like a big cock!! Oh sorry! Wrong page. Ahem... (looks sheepish). I'm here to... urrr.... Oh yes! Virginity! It's great! YEAH WICKED MAN! SORTED! Want some brown? I make-a-you very special price. 15 doyar I love you long time"