NEIGHBOURS
- 26/4/99
CUE
INTRO SEQUENCE
REPEAT
SHOT from day before of PHIL grabbing hold of his gullet and screaming ‘It’s
the bees! It’s the bees! It’s the bees they’re in my knees!’. He is then
restrained by BOUNCER the dog outside the Coffee Shop.
MADGE:
‘We’re losing more customers than I can shake a stick at.’
HAROLD
(shaking a stick): ‘What’s that, love?’
MADGE:
‘That Phil should learn to behave himself, even if he does keep getting stung
all the time.’
HAROLD:
‘Maybe we need a new pet or something?’
JOEL
is released from hospital ‘on bail’ provided he leaves his injured leg
behind as a deposit. There is an emotional flashback of it being crushed saving
HANNAH from a GIANT GOAT.
JOEL:
‘I’ve become rather attached to that leg’
PHSIOTHERAPIST:
‘We’ll help you get over that’
The
PHYSIO then cheers him up by promising him a ‘special treat’ with a wink.
SARAH
escorts her mother (SHERYL BEAUFORD) back to her flat where she complains of a
‘runny tummy’ and is put to bed early with a hot water bottle.
PHIL
has finally agreed to have the tests that CARL is demanding despite his fear of
injections. The good doctor extracts blood from poor PHIL and then several teeth
before he remembers what he is supposed to be doing. PHIL pretends not to be
angry but instead emits a vibrant buzzing sound from his shoulders. CARL watches
on terrified as PHIL tries to shrug the incident off with increasingly
ridiculous excuses: eg ‘It was just a build up of cakes in my lower
intestine’. CARL escapes through an open window and flees in his PORSCHE
BOXER.
Incidental
shot of BILLY trying to tie his shoelaces up.
Cut
to HAROLD watering his giant WATER PUMPKINS. There is trombone music playing.
A
PORSCHE BOXER whips by in the foreground.
HAROLD:
“Well I never”
VOICE
OVER of LOU shouting ‘JELLY BELLY!’
HAROLD:
“Oh no. If that isn’t one of the two most devious minds in Aeronsborough up
to no good near my prized WATER PUMPKINS then… oh bless my socks!”
Shot
of HAROLD looking bothered. He has trampled on his prize WATER PUMPKINS.
VOICE
OVER of LOU chuckling menacingly.
The
trombone music now plays an appropriate lament.
JOEL
after leaving hospital heads straight down the pub to improve his arm action. He
drinks until he collapses under a table. Nobody notices and the pub is locked by
LOU and TOADY.
JOEL:
‘Who will ever find me now when even the two most devious minds in
Aeronsborough have failed?’
CARL
is working in the ‘Street Surgery for Deserving Crack Orphans’. There are
bottles and tubes in front of him, one of which is marked ‘PHIL MARTINS
SPECIAL SERUM: DO NOT DRINK’.
HAROLD:
‘I’m thirsty’
CARL:
‘Do you know how overworked I am?’
HAROLD:
‘I really fancy a coke’
CARL:
‘Today I amputated the wrong leg off a man, not to mention a bag of other junk
that should have stayed on’
HAROLD:
‘No I really do fancy some coke’
CARL:
‘I’m so tired!’
HAROLD:
‘Yes I really must have some coke!’. HAROLD leaves.
CARL:
‘Do you realise how tired I am? No you don’t do you.’
HAROLD
is seen going down a dark alley. There are two silhouettes visible.
HAROLD:
‘Do you know where I can get some coke?”
The
figures disappear.
FIGURE
#1(male): ‘Follow me’
HAROLD:
‘Oh, thank you’
JOEL
returns home and staggers straight to bed. SARAH is pre-occupied as she is
searching through tiny boxes for her LOST DOG and unable to warn JOEL about the
new sleeping arrangements. JOEL meanwhile cannot find the light switch and
clambers into bed without turning it on.
JOEL:
‘Yeuch! It smells like my bed is….
[he
turns on a lamp]
JOEL:
‘…full of shit!”
SHERYL
BEAUFORD: ‘Yes I’m sorry about that, I have a runny tummy you see!”
[close
up of JOEL looking shocked]
SHERYL
BEAUFORD: ‘When you reach my age it happens a lot!”
[enter
SARAH. She slips on the filthy floor and lands on her arse. Everyone laughs as
she looks up, face covered in faeces.]
CARL
is still working frantically over his apparatus. He looks up startled and sees
HAROLD. He is holding a can of PEPSI.
CARL:
‘Oh my god!’
HAROLD:
‘Oh I’m sorry, did you want one?’
CARL
leaps up and runs through the open door of the Crack Surgery and into the night.
He climbs into his PORSCHE BOXER and is gone.
HAROLD:
‘Well really!’
SHERYL
and JOEL are still laughing but SARAH is only shaking her head now.
Enter
PHIL.
PHIL:
‘bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzz’
SARAH:
‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh’
JOEL:
‘Oh my god he’s gone nuts’
Enter
Carl, out of breath.
PHIL:
‘bzz bzzzz bzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’
CARL:
‘It’s alright Phil, you are not really a wasp, you just have Bee’s Disease
and you are going to die. Lie face down on the ground and hold your breath.’
PHIL:
‘What in all that shit? You gotta be kidding? I’m off for a pie.’
PHIL
leaves.
SARAH:
‘Well doctor it looks like another one of your patients has had a miraculous
recovery!’
JOEL:
‘Why couldn’t it be me?’
Everyone
laughs and drinks champagne. CARL proposes a toast to CARL LEWIS.
Enter
PHYSIO, unseen. She is holding some flowers and a big whip.
PHYSIO:
‘So this is what you call recovery?’
CUE
CREDITS!
What
do you think!?
© Shirt Short Communications 1999