The Dick Speech

As written and performed by Leeds Morris Men

Characters:

Character 1 - a morris man (maybe even a Fool)

Character 2 - another morris man

Dick - a horse
 

Character 1

Character 2

In comes Dick with all his men, He's come to see you once again Once he was alive, but now he's dead He's nothing but a poor old horse's head. 
Stand up Dick! 
Now ladies and gentlemen, just view around, See whether you've seen a better horse stand upon England's ground  He's double ribbed, sound footed, and a splendid horse in any gears. 
And read him if you can, and every time he opens his mouth, his head's half off He's travelled high, he's travelled low
He's travelled all through frost and snow  He's travelled through icky picky 
Where there's neither land nor city  Houses thatched with pancakes 
Walls built with penny loaves  Little pigs running about with knives and forks in their backs shouting out "Who'll eat me?" 
Wooden churches, pig puddings for bell-ropes  Black puddings growing on apple trees and they cut them off as they want them 
This horse... This horse..
...was bred from old Red Rum  The finest mare that ever run 
Run fourteen mile in fifteen hours And never sweat a hair. 
Now this horse has an eye like a hawk  A neck like a swan 
Every tooth in its mouth stands rank gank like a regiment of pickled onions  Tongue like an old rug mat 
And his ears are made out of dead tom cat 
Whoa, boy!
Now I ask you all to open your heart, to buy Dick a new spring cart
Not one for him to draw, but to ride in  Now its time for Dick to go, So we can start with the show 
If you don't believe these words I say 

Step in the dancers and musician play 

OR And while away Dick does prance, 

Bring on the Morris Men, lets have a dance