ENTRY D:
My Favourite TV Programme
The room was dark except for the small red light which was washing over the coffee table giving the whole scene a post-nuclear glow. I began to understand the inspiration for the devastated cities in 'Planet of the Apes' as the arrangement of last nights pizza, empty beer cans, crisp packets and ashtrays took on a different form in the dim light. The rest of the room was no tidier so I had to tip toe towards the sofa carefully. "CRUNCH", there is now a stickiness associated with my right foot and a strange smell, I decide not to investigate further.
I finally reach the landing spot , easily identified by the buttock shaped indentation in the red velvet cushion directly opposite the TV. The TV was the nucleus of the room, all other things revolved around it and not just in the lounge. Every room off the lounge was also organised in relationship to the TV. The essential kitchen equipment, microwave & kettle, were placed such that the TV could be watched whilst waiting, I even had a stool in case gravity got the better of me. The bathroom mirrors had been organised such that if I stuck my head slightly forward and left I could see the TV through the shaving mirror via the wall mirror. Leaving the door open I could hear everything, not a problem as I lived alone and had done for years.
The red velvet caressed me as it always did, like an old friend. "How much would you have to pay for a sofa moulded to your buttocks" I wondered, and here I am with exactly that for no extra charge! I slipped into a fantasy advert about the 'Robertsons Buttock Master' , easy credit, choice of colours, probably presented by a has-been daytime TV presenter, it could work. I had noticed that my lapses into the world of advertising were getting more frequent. Nothing to worry about though, I had discussed it with John at work and he said he does the same sometimes.
I check the clock, Today's Special Value sometime in August 1999 for £12.99 if I remember correctly. Who am I fooling! I remember exactly, it was my first ever purchase, before the clock I was a QVC virgin, things had changed since then. It was 8.57, 3 minutes to go. Panic! I have no tea & biscuits. I rush to the kitchen which was a mistake as I manage to get the same stickiness on my left foot also. 2 minutes and 50 seconds later I'm back in place but with provisions. I reach for the remote which rests next to me on the sofa, it has even created it's own little indentation now, it has a home. It feels good in my hand, always the right hand, I run my fingers over it's buttons catching that rubbery resistance, looking for the little nipple on top of the number 5 so you can always find it, even in the dark. I press the button, the red glow disappears and is replaced by 28" shower of light & sound. I sit back and let it wash over me, Debbie Greenwood is covered with Diamonique, ecstasy.