Hope Has a Place
Part One
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Harry woke up panting loudly, the bedclothes a sweaty tangle around his legs. He'd had the nightmare again, the one he could never remember when he woke up. The only thing he knew for sure was that this nightmare was nothing to do with Voldemort as his scar didn't burn and he didn't have the nausea he usually had after visions sent by Voldemort.

At least in Grimmauld Place he had a room of his own and didn't have to worry about disturbing his dorm mates with his screaming anymore. He put a silencing charm on anyway, he didn't want to disturb Remus with his nightmares. Although Harry didn't remember the contents of the nightmare, he supposed that he might have been dreaming about Sirius falling through the veil. He couldn't think what else he might have had nightmares about so frequently. It had been almost two years since his godfather fell, but sometimes it felt to Harry as if it had happened mere moments ago.

The nightmares only really started three weeks ago, back when Snape began giving him Occlumency lessons again. It was Dumbledore's idea of course, neither Harry nor Snape wanted to do it, but the headmaster had a way of making people do things they'd rather not.

Harry glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table, eight o'clock. Snape would be there at nine for the start of that day's Occlumency lesson. Then it would be three hours of Snape invading his memories and Harry trying to repel him, then they would have lunch with Remus, then another four hours of Occlumency unless Snape was called away to a Death Eater meeting.

Harry was frustrated that he wasn't getting any further with the lessons. He was not able to repel Snape completely and although Snape had given him permission to perform legimancy on Snape, Harry was still unable to break through the man's defences and get into his mind.

Over the past few weeks they'd both come to some sort of understanding, although neither of them could pretend that they were even friends as of yet, they were friendlier than they had been in a long time. Neither of them ever mentioned the memory Harry had seen in Snape's pensieve. But sometimes during their lessons, it hung in the air between them like an unwanted guest at a feast.

After showering and getting dressed, Harry made his way downstairs for breakfast. Lupin had left a note on the kitchen table.

Harry,

I'll be out all day today, I thought it best if you have some privacy for your lessons with Professor Snape.

Look after yourself, Remus.

Harry replaced the note on the table, feeling a little odd as he read it. He felt... relieved. Why would he feel like that? Didn't he want Remus here with him? Remus had looked after him ever since Albus had removed him from the Dursleys towards the end of the summer, why did he have such an odd feeling whenever he was around the werewolf?

By the time he'd thought things through, the more confused Harry got and he had barely eaten his toast before Snape Apparated into the kitchen with a loud pop. "Potter," he was greeted.

"Professor," said Harry, nodding his head and brushing crumbs from his tee-shirt.

"Are you ready to begin your lessons for today, Potter?"

"Sir, before we start, can I ask you something?"

Snape raised an eyebrow at him. "That depends on what it is. There are some things I cannot tell you."

"Oh, it's not about you," said Harry. "It's me. When you're in my mind, do you see everything?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's just a feeling I have. I think there's a memory in there that I've forgotten. I know it's there, but I don't know what it is. I have a nightmare too, but I don't remember it when I wake up. I think they're both connected. Is there anyway you could try and access it with Occlumency?"

"Harry, do you know what you are asking?"

Harry was a little startled to hear his first name from Snape. He must have rattled the man for him to let that slip.

"No, not exactly," admitted Harry. "What am I asking?"

"What you are asking me to do is usually only something family or lovers would share. It is surprisingly intimate. You are inviting me into your mind, you will have to allow me in. It will not be that I will see things accidentally before you can push me out, I will see everything that is in your head, your every thought, every emotion, every memory. Do you really want me to see all that? Do you want me to know who you think of when you masturbate for example?"

Harry blushed, but not for the reasons Snape thought.

"Erm, I don't," admitted Harry.

"You don't want me to do this?"

"I don't masturbate," replied Harry.

Snape laughed. "Good one, Potter. I've never known a teenage boy not to masturbate, myself included."

"It's true!" hissed Harry through clenched teeth. "If you must know I'm impotent!"

Oh, God, he'd said it. He'd said it to Snape of all people. He would never live with the humiliation. Harry felt tears forming at the edges of his eyes, he bit his cheek to try and prevent them from spilling over. This was not happening. He was not about to burst into tears in front of Snape. He wasn't. He wasn't.

"Harry, do you want to talk about it?" asked Snape in a gentle voice.

That gentle tone undid him, so unexpected as it was, and the tears fell from his eyes, sliding beneath his glasses.

"Why?" he sniffed.

"I just thought talking about it might help. It doesn't have to be with me. What about Professor Lupin or the headmaster? Would you rather talk to them?"

Harry shook his head, he couldn't imagine telling the headmaster anything about his sex life or lack thereof, and as for Remus, well he just didn't want to. But could he talk to Snape about this? Did he want to talk to Snape about this?

"I don't want to talk to them," said Harry through his tears.

"What about me? Will you let me help?"

Harry nodded and went to make a cup of tea, more for something to do than that he actually wanted any.

"How do you know your impotent, Harry? Maybe you just had an off night?" suggested Snape. "What experience have you had, Harry?"

"A few kisses," admitted Harry. "Other than that, nothing."

"Have you ever masturbated at all?"

"No, never."

"Might I ask why? What do you do if you have an erection that just won't go away?"

"That's the problem, I don't have erections at all. I've never had one."

"Never? What about wet dreams?"

"The same, I've never had one."

Snape stared at him then, his eyes lingering over every bit of Harry he could see, from his head right down to his toes. "Erm, you do seem to have... developed," said Snape with a blush.

"Yes," agreed Harry. "Puberty has been and gone, other than the fact that I've never had a sexual response, I suppose I'm fairly healthy."

"What about desire? Do you feel anything at all?"

"I start to, but then nothing happens down below and it goes away as soon as I start to feel anything remotely sexual. I feel... I feel scared, Professor, but I don't know why. How many men do you know who are afraid of their own body?"

"You're afraid of yourself? Why?"

"I don't know exactly. It's more a feeling I get. I'm afraid of my body's responses. It's like I don't want to get excited, that it would mean something very bad if I did. Do you think it might be connected to the hidden memories?"

"It could be," said Snape. "But are you sure you want to allow me to do that, Harry? The feelings it can cause between two wizards can be very intense."

"What sort of feelings?" asked Harry, genuinely curious. A few years ago, he might have considered that Snape might have done this without his permission, but he was slowly getting to know the man better and he knew deep down in his bones that at heart Snape was an honourable man and would not do this without explicit permission from Harry. Why was he so worried about it?

"Are you a virgin, Harry?"

Harry nodded, he was sure Snape had already figured that out when Harry had mentioned that his only other experiences had been a few kisses. What did that have to do with anything? Snape answered the question, even though Harry hadn't asked it out loud.

"For wizards, sex and magic go hand in hand. There is a lot of power in sex. When a wizard or witch first makes love, they come into their full power, power they weren't even aware of existed until it happened to them. The wizard, thinking that this extra power came from their partner, fall desperately in love with that person, their first sexual partner. The feelings and power are so intense, but what they don't realise is that the power comes from within themselves, not any external force or person. What you are asking me to do to your mind is even more intimate than sex, Harry."

Harry swallowed. "So you're saying that if I let you into my mind, I'll fall in love with you?"

"It has been known to happen between people who share their minds this way, yes."

"So you'll fall in love with me too?"

"No," replied Snape. "I'm already in love with you."

Harry stared at his professor, shocked. He'd never thought to hear those words from the man's lips. The world must surely be ending.

"Y- you're in love with me? Since when?"

"I'm not sure, it was more of a gradual process. Don't worry, I don't intend to do anything about it. You are still my student. I would never abuse that trust. I just thought you ought to know." Snape hung his head, as though he was ashamed of what he'd just admitted.

Harry just stared at him, his mind reeling. Snape was in love with him? Snape? Who Harry thought hated him with a vengeance. This was a bit much to take in. Here he was, a few days shy of his seventeenth birthday and his professor told him he was in love with him. It was certainly not the sort of present he would ever have anticipated. Harry knew that he risked falling for the professor too if the allowed the man free reign into his mind, but he was determined to find out what his own mind had been hiding from him. Snape was the only one who had the skills necessary to do it, Harry was as sure of that as he was sure that the sun was coming up tomorrow and that Voldemort still wanted to kill him.

"I want you to try," said Harry, reaching out and holding Snape's hand. Snape jerked away as though Harry's touch had burned him. "I trust you," continued Harry. "I know you would never do anything to hurt me."

"What if the emotions caused by our minds merging is too strong? What if you don't want ...to push me away?"

"I know you, professor. I know how controlled you are. You would never let things get that far. You would not take advantage of me."

"How do you know?" hissed Snape. "Maybe I'd use your emotional state to try and seduce you, we don't know what will happen, do we?"

"Let's stop worrying about what might happen. Let's just try and access my memories, okay?" Harry was surprised how steady his voice sounded. He was terrified and excited all at once.

"Very well then, Harry. Remember, do not try and block me. Let me into your mind, all of it. Breathe deeply, feel every breath going in and out of your body, feel every beat of your heart, listen to the thrumming in your ears. Close you eyes and just see."

Harry obeyed, glad that they'd started with Snape's normal meditation technique. Harry and Snape were no longer in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place, they were in Harry's mind, which he visualised this time as a long corridor with thousands of doors leading off it. All of the doors were white, except for one at the far end which was black.

Snape turned the handles of a few white doors, but came out again. Behind each door was one of Harry's memories. Behind that one, Ripper chasing him up a tree, there; Sirius falling through the veil; there, Harry's first broom ride, the first time Vernon hit him. There were plenty more, but Harry didn't bother looking, he knew what was in those rooms, it was the room at the end, the black door, that's what he needed to see.

Almost as he thought it, he and Snape were in front of it.

"This is it," said Snape. "This door, someone has Obliviated you."

"I knew it!" growled Harry in triumph. "I always felt like something was missing. How do we get in?"

"We don't. You stay here, seeing it like this could put you in shock."

"How will I know what's in there, then?"

"Because I will tell you, it will not be so much of a shock if you hear the memory second hand as it were."

"Do you promise to tell me?"

It took a long time before Snape would answer.

"I will, Harry. I promise."

***

Snape almost regretted those words as soon as he said them. Harry knew he would not go back on his promise, but when Snape walked through that black door, into the memory that had been hidden from Harry, he wished he hadn't spoken.

It was as if he'd walked into a nightmare, Harry's nightmare.

Harry was in the Astronomy tower, bent low over one of the desks, his trousers and underpants pulled down around his ankles. He was pinned there by a much larger, much heavier body. Snape only saw it from the back, but that was enough. He wanted to get out, but the black door has shut firmly behind him and he could not escape what was happening to Harry.

"No, please, no!" screamed Harry as the man thrust again and again into his unwilling captive. "I'm not James! I'm Harry!" the boy protested, but to no avail.

"Who's Harry?" demanded the voice. "Roleplay, I like that."

"No, professor, please stop!" begged Harry.

Professor? Snape's stared hard at the man's back, willing him to look round. Snape tried to move round to the front to see who it was, but the only angle his mind could see was this view from the back. Obviously Harry's mind was also keeping from himself the knowledge of who his rapist was.

Harry looked young, much younger than he was now, he couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen in the memory. Snape shuddered at the thought of someone taking his innocence in such a way. A teacher abusing that trust that Snape had sworn to Harry he would never betray, but who was it? Who had crossed that line?

"Oh, I'm your professor, James? You've been a naughty boy? And is this your punishment? Wicked."

"I'm Harry, I'm Harry," sobbed the boy on the desk, over and over again. Snape felt his heart splinter into tiny pieces within his chest. How dare someone do this to Harry? A professor? It didn't seem possible, and why would any of his teachers mistake him for James? Not even Snape could make that mistake.

And then Snape saw it, sitting on the edge of the desk next to Harry's elbow, one of Snape's own silver goblets. The goblet he used to give Lupin his Wolfsbane in before the full moon. Lupin. It was Remus Lupin.

And then the memory changed, a different day, a different place; the DADA classroom this time, but Lupin was raping him again. It had happened more than once. Snape even in his mind felt sick.

Suddenly Snape was snatched back from Harry's mind with a viciousness so intense it gave him a headache.

He groaned and looked at Harry, who was looking at him with an air of expectation. Snape did so not want to tell him about this.

"Where's Lupin?" asked Snape.

"He's gone out. Left a note. Well, professor? What was in my memory?"

"Harry, what do you remember about your Patronus lessons with him?"

"What do you mean?"

"Were you always alone with him?"

"What are you implying?"

"Harry - I - I saw -" but Snape couldn't do it, couldn't be the one to tell him about this.

"Tell me!" demanded Harry. "Tell me what you saw!"

"Harry, I saw Lupin rape you in third year."

"No, that's a lie! He would never do that, never. Why are you lying?"

"I'm not lying, Harry. Go into my mind, you will see what I saw. It isn't a lie, I promise you."

Harry just glared at him for a moment before he cast Legimens and entered Snape's mind. Snape could feel him in there and sense when he'd reached that particular memory, a few moments later Harry's touch was withdrawn.

Harry blinked, once, twice, then rushed over to the sink where he was violently sick. Snape dithered for a few moments, then marched to the sink and stood hovering there beside Harry. He wanted to comfort him, but was unsure how Harry would feel about being touched after what he'd just witnessed.

"I can't believe he did it, he really did it," gasped Harry. "What am I going to do? How am I ever going to face him again?"

"You don't have to," said Snape. "We can tell Dumbledore and Lupin will be sent to Azkaban."

"No!" said Harry, whirling round to face Snape. Silent tears were dripping down his cheeks.

"Harry, the man raped you, violated you. Do you want him to get away with it?"

"I don't want him to go to Azkaban because of me. But I can't face him, I can't look at him. I can't stay here, knowing that he's here."

"Do you want me to take you to the Burrow?" asked Snape, feeling his voice crack. He would not be able to visit Harry once he was ensconced in the Weasley stronghold. But it was probably the best place for Harry to come to terms with had happened to him.

"No," said Harry. "I want to go back to school. I want to stay with you."

"Why?"

"Because I trust you, I believe you."

"Believe me? About what?"

"That even though you're in love with me, you won't do anything about it until I leave school. I need that time, Professor. I need someone I can talk to about this, someone who won't use it against me. My friends wouldn't understand, no-one would. They all thought Professor Lupin was brilliant, except for you. You can help me. Will you?" Harry sobbed out the last word and Snape didn't think, didn't analyse anything, he stepped as close to Harry as he could and hugged him with all his strength.

Harry sobbed against Snape's robes, his arms wrapped around Snape's back, squeezing back just as tight.

It had never felt so right to have someone in his arms.

Just then Lupin floo'd into the kitchen, took one look at Snape and Harry. Snape's eyes told Lupin all he needed to know. There was knowledge in those dark pools, knowledge and a warning. Lupin nodded and hurried away, before Harry had seen him. Lupin would never see Harry Potter again, not if Snape had anything to do with it.

Snape tightened his grip on Harry.

He would never let him go.

Part Two

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